Lately...

May 15, 2014


The last few weeks of life have been manic; a lethal combination of excitement, stress and exhaustion. Now that the dreaded month of April has long left our little family, we are slowly but surely starting to regain normalcy in our everyday life.

In just one month, we managed to move our family into a new house while I returned to work part-time and my Scarlet started daycare. My Honours course commenced in late March which meant I had to juggle my study load through nights (or early mornings) and on top of all that, we also battled through days of sicknesses and nights of sleeplessness. Do you ever feel like that life is just moving too fast? Sometimes I wish I could tell life to slow the heck down!

It feels like most days I am trying to play catch up, like there aren't enough days in a week for me to get everything I need (or want) to accomplish. Some weeks, I can't even find enough time to squeeze a quick coffee date with friends or finish that load of uni reading that seem to continually pile up. In addition to all that (and I know I'm just having a pity party here), it seems like I am surrounded by a bunch of creative people who are always doing wonderfully amazing things, which is uplifting for the soul but a curse to the envious heart. 

One morning last week, I woke up feeling determined to get through my to-do list for the day. I wanted to salvage any last bit of self accomplishment I could find so I could feel better about myself. So I juggled Scarlet on one hand while the other was typing away for a blog post that I really wanted to publish. All was well until I heard Scarlet yell from her highchair. She was throwing food on the ground and clearly, upset about something. I chose to ignore her thinking that she would eventually get tired of it but she didn't. She screamed some more, yelled, threw her bowl upside down on her head and as the yoghurt started to trickle down, that was it. I had enough. I peeled myself away from the computer, yanked her off her chair and shouted at her for the loss of 10 whole minutes to myself.

Almost instantly, guilt started to resonate within me. I had punished my daughter because of my own insecurities and selfishness. Scarlet looked me in the eye and as her lips started to tremble, she slowly touched my arm and mouthed out the words "Mama, sooo-ee". My heart died. As I clung on to her for the next ten minutes, I came to the realisation that this is it. This is where I need to be for awhile, in my daughter's arms. It doesn't matter if the house is a mess or if I can't stick to that blogging schedule that I wrote up for the week. I need to treasure these moments for they are few and they don't last forever.

Motherhood is my job. Yes, it means that I will turn down opportunities along the way because it means time away from my family, but that is ok. Oddly enough, it is always through these periods of chaos that I find my feet and clarity once more. Perhaps in its own way, life is also telling me to slow down; to not busy myself with the minor details but rather focus on the one thing that is truly beautiful, edifying and most valuable - my family

11 comments:

  1. Ginormous and super tight e-hugs coming at you right now Nia. I feel exactly like you do about life and I don't have nearly as many balls in the air. Truly, you are beautiful inside and out and I am forever learning from you. Go easy on yourself would ya?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are the best! Thank you for your kind words sweet lady. Can't wait to catch up you again when you get back xx

      Delete
  2. You are by far one of the best mums I've ever come across. The way you love, nurture and sacrifice for your family is just a joy to watch! Love and hugs your way my love xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  3. This is a beautiful and honest post, Nia. x

    ReplyDelete
  4. I've been in a similar spot recently--I totally feel you on this. Sending you lost of love from AZ! xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks love! I knew you would totally understand where I'm coming from. Hugs right back at you! xx

      Delete
  5. Always stay true to those words ' this is where you need to be ' because behind all of the people pumping out those photos that you envy is an out of control messy house with screaming children and all the insecurities you're talking about. You are not alone, you are a brilliant mum and should be proud of what you get done, but more proud to have Scarlet at the top of your priority list and not a blogging schedule. Much love xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I couldn't have said it any better Sam! It's so encouraging to have such grounded mums around me (aka YOU) that keep me in check. Big hugs x

      Delete
  6. Aww Nia! If it helps I'm constantly blown away by all your gorgeous blog posts, and am amazed at how much you achieve! I definitely feel like I need life to slow down right now, my poor blog is not getting the attention it normally does at the mo, and I don't have any small children to look after! Big hugs xx

    ReplyDelete